The One Customer Bank…
I got to the office early today, as usual I had skipped breakfast (I belong to the streets, streets don’t eat breakfast at home, we eat breakfast on the streets] my boss was already in the office when I walked in. Almost as if he had slept in the office awaiting my arrival.
I greeted him warmly and proceeded to my desk to begin the day’s work. After a while, I started feeling unusually hungry and weak, mostly because I had skipped dinner the night before… these days, I barely eat, seems as if my appetite keeps reclining with the August rains.
I took permission from my boss and left for the cafeteria where the only available food vendor was a half caste Italian-Nigerian lady whose culinary prowess involved the use of a lot of strange peppery spices. I calmly took a seat by the window and asked for the menu. Glancing through, I settled for a more familiar food choice among the array of strange names I found on it, I picked fried rice and common fish…
They say a Yoruba woman’s best friend is ‘Atarodo,shombo & tatashe’ but wait till you eat of this woman’s food… Immediately my tongue touched the rice, I asked for two bottles of raggolis, I knew I was in for fire.
But because I had paid a tidy sum for the meal, plus it tasted good too, (if you subtract the pepper} I gulped it all down, drank a cup full of more water and sauntered happily back into the office…
As soon as I stepped in, my boss asked that I follow him for a brief business meeting at the military cantonment along the Kubwa road… I got in the car and off we went, into the heart of Abuja.
Halfway through the journey, I suddenly became uneasy, my stomach started making funny sounds, you know the type of sound that comes when your village people are bent on embarrassing you… it was quite discomfiting and I felt very uneasy.
After a while, I couldn’t take it anymore, it was as if my stomach was on fire… I wanted to go badly. By this time we were already in area 11, if you know Abuja very well you will know that the whole place is occupied with office buildings and beautiful flowers… no bush at all for any kind of short put ( Unibuja Hostel Girls can relate.
My boss saw a friend of his standing by his car around Commassaie cantonment, he stopped the car and alighted to exchange pleasantries, by this time my body couldn’t withstand the immense pressure anymore… I needed to go ASAP.
I jumped out of the car and started searching frantically for any bush around, anything that looked like a shrub, something with enough coverage to shield me from the prying eyes of passing motorist… I couldn’t find any, by now I was sweating profusely like an hausa man that had just taken Sakemi.
My boss somehow noticed my predicament and walked over to me ‘You know Levi, there is a bank over there by the barracks” he said with a knowing smile while pointing at a complex some few meters away.
I didn’t wait to respond, I just sped in the direction he had pointed. I found the bank and sped towards the security door with a pleasant smiling security guard posted at the door. As I got closer, he smiled
‘Welcome to the one customer bank…
Still sweating, I managed to ask where the rest room was and the fella directed with his hands, obviously knowing why.
I dashed towards the restroom, luckily there was no one in… never have I been so delighted to see a toilet seat, it looked heavenly, white all through like the pure color of righteousness, round like mama Emelda’s bossom and deep like the veejaajay of a village runs girl…
I removed my suit, trouser, shirt, tie, belt and was stark naked… this kind of business was best done nude, nude like a crystal bulb. I took a nice position and boy did I rain thunder, brimstone, rockets and bullets… Lord help whoever was sitting close to the toilet that day, I am sure even Ahmadioha in all of his fury could not have sounded louder than my blessed behind.
When I finished, I felt peace like a river… peace like the river Benue flowing through the calm valleys of the Delta. I took my time to redress myself, and boy when I looked at the mirror placed on the wall I looked so ravishing I could almost kiss me.
I finally came out of the restroom and walked majestically out of the bank, only then did I even recognize that it was an bank. When I got to the security guard at the door, he just smile and said ‘Thank You for Banking with the One customer bank’
I smiled and strolled confidently to the car where my boss sat waiting patiently for me…
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